Alright, I'l do it then. 8gulp8.
this was written in response toa poetry challenge...months ago.Slightly sad adn mere mentiionsof past remus/lily. It's all Iseemto havewriten that really focuses on his feelingsthough.
A liquid moon moves gently among the long branches. Thus having prepared
their buds against a sure winter the wise trees stand sleeping in the
--William Carlos Williams, "Winter Trees."
It is December, almost midnight. He is standing a mile away from the castle doors. There's a line of trees behind him and he knows them very well. Sirius usually moves the branches apart for all of them to get through, out of the woods, back on the grounds. Ten whole full moons into their adventures and they never got back through the tunnel anymore. Come to think of it, they slowly started to loose count of the hours. And Sirius was the one who started the next trick, softly clearing his throat and poking him and James saying, "It's a full moon again tonight." He'd caught on just in time, even if he'd still said "Don't be ridiculous" and the other two knew how he meant it.
But tonight he is out on his own, and it's new moon. Sirius is helping Peter in the library. When he left, they were still crouched over a long scroll of parchment filled with Peter's quivery handwritten run-on sentences and direct quotes about transfiguration. James was in Hogsmeade again, with Lily. Remus sometimes still laughs at the thought of that. About a year ago she’d glare at every remark he'd make. And weeks ago, right after another Gryffindor victory, she'd simply hugged him in front of the rest of the team. She even did something very out of character before that. She bounced from her seat and yelled "You did it!" Perhaps it was because the game had been tense enough. Gryffindor versus Slytherin of course. And it was cold as hell, just as it is now. Is it in fact freezing? He feels cold droplets on his cheeks. Snow? Fantastic! One of his favourite sights to wake to in the morning was glistening snow on the bare branches of trees. It could have been because it was the first thing he remembered after the full moon in the winter of his first year.
He sighs. It's good to be outside in the quiet of night. Peter was chattering like an excited 12-year-old, Sirius was talking even more to try to stop him, and the few third year girls he'd seen were merely comparing notes about various older boys, even James and Sirius.
And he? he went outside on his own for once, trying not to think of James and Lily when they both jumped up from their chairs in the common room, grinned at each other and then rushed out through the portrait. He had been one of the few witnesses to the first spark of love, or the first time the both of them stopped hiding it if you believed Peter's theories.
They'd been all in front of the portrait of the fat lady and as soon as they were in and Lily wanted to turn towards the stairs and say good bye with her usual wave of her hand, James had stopped her and for a few seconds they'd kissed. Sirius had grinned, and James had grinned back when they climbed the stairs. And Remus recognized the look in James’s eyes, the way he'd probably be licking his lips for the next hour or more, trying to preserve the taste of her lips. Remus knew that James wasn't the first one she'd kissed. He knew the taste of her lips, even if it was mixed with a typical taste of some cherry-flavoured muggle lipstick. It was as if she'd just had an ice-cream.
But it was fantastic. Two arms around her, her hands moving up to his cheeks. Two rather small hands, fingers with glistening nails, and long red hair that fell to her forehead. He loved that hair, he still does, and her eyes too.
Remus shivers. There they are, Lily and James. And indeed they're walking hand in hand, running past Hagrid's hut, straight toward the castle doors. Remus slips behind the line of trees and tries to look up at some birds that are dozing on a few branches above him. Suddenly he isn't very sure any more. Had she ever loved him at all? It seemed she really loved James. There was a lot more going on between them than there ever was between her and Remus. Still it had felt unique to him, even at 13, when everything concerning love should actually feel special. For some reason it just hadn't changed. They'd slowly grown apart, he'd never even told her out loud that he loved her and she'd certainly never done that.
Remus looks at the castle as James opens the door. Lily moves up her hands to push some of her hair out of her face and pin it behind her ears. What's he doing here in the dead of night, staring at two of his friends and knowing full well that they were together and nothing would change that? There were little hints of jealousy in the back of his mind and if he'd tell any of that to his mother or his father they'd naturally suggest that that came from the werewolf, not from him. "Nonsense," he mumbles. Then he takes a deep breath and jumps out from behind the tree. He sprints in the direction of the door waving frantically with one hand. "Hey! Wait!" he yells, much louder than he'd ever done in all his years at this school.
James still holds the door and keeps it open. It's Lily who whirls around and Remus notices the snow on the top of her hair.
"Remus?" she asks in a soft slightly concerned voice. Then there's the worried look in her eyes, and he knows that look perfectly well. Oh, that was too long ago. He looks away and clears his throat.
"Come on, get in!" she calls out. There is a hand reaching to catch his cold hand and he only now sees a fine silvery glove that covered it. He calmly follows them, letting her take his arm and pull him in past James. She smiles as he stares at her hand. "New charm," she says. "I learned it yesterday from one of the girls in my dormitory."
"That's handy," he says as she lets go of his arm. The door closes with a thud.
"I can teach you," she says, "I taught James already."
"Sirius would want to know it first," It's out before he knows it and it sounds so horrible he almost blushes.
She doesn’t notice and James leans against the wall and looks at them.
"So what *were* you doing outside?" he asks.
"Some plants," Remus says softly, "just looking up some herbs. You know how fantastic I did the last few times we tried to make sleeping draughts."
"Oh you silly fool!" Lily calls out, "James, remind me. We're going into the apothecary and get him some new stuff.” Then she turns to him. "And you can *ask* me to work with you, you know that."
Yes, he knows. It's been like that for the last three years at least. And the way she says “James, remind me,", he'll here that one often enough, in the very same tone of voice he hears it now. He sighs and nods. Then it gets a bit too much at once, the way her eyes fill with a strange soft kindness when she looks at him, the way they sparkle when she looks over at James. He gasps as if he suddenly remembers something. "Oh Merlin," he mutters, and it isn't even a lie, the next thing he's going to tell. Because he really forgot his set of quills, he remembers very well that he didn't put it in his bag.
"Night!" he calls to James and looks at Lily a few seconds later. "I left my quills, I'll come up later." He hurries away, hardly noticing how lily's jaw drops as she watches him run down the hall.
"You can get them..." she starts, but James puts a finger on her lips.
"We'll leave the portrait open,” she calls out. At that point there's a meowing sound and James reaches in the small bag he's carrying. He throws something over both of them and Mrs. Norris sees nothing as they pad towards the stares.
But in his mind's eye, Remus imagines enough when he's leaning against a pillar near the library, and then shrugs and slowly wonders back towards the stares to Gryffindor tower. "Better face it," he tells himself, "You'll never stop loving her, even if she’ll be married in a few years and has her own family."
And that's the way he'll feel for her, for as long as she lives.